Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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