Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
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