Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
