Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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