I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
home. puking in laundry basket.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
