wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Randomize
