You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
