I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
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Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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