It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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