i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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