life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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