i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
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