I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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