3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
