He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
