The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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