i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Randomize