Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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