I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
