WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
