Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
