my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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