mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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