Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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