i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
