He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
