in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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