hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
