I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
