he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
