im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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