my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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