Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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