I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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