Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
