My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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