My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
