five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You're like the curious george of whores
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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