If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
