Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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