I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
