I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
