I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
