Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Randomize
