I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
