I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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