just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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