I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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