Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
