So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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