when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I still have a little drunk in my system
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
