sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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