That reminds me...we need to get swords
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
