Got a toothbrush?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
