I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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